Missing Tyan in the 4th mth

Tyan is supposed to be 4 mths old today. Looking at June's blog for comparison, Tyan wld have been developing in his awareness of his limbs and already able to flip by himself on the side. Not that I would have a chance to see him do that but still good to know i guess.

Things seemed to have been slightly better. Managed to get some answers for myself. I still remember that day when Pst Tan came to Alec's grandma's wake. He asked if had times when i just felt that things were easier somehow or that I felt God somehow in my daily activities...like suddenly when I needed a cab and the cab just appeared. Well, at that point in time, i was still feeling cynical...like a non-believer...thinking all these can just be coincidences anyway...why do i have to thank God for them?

but in the recent events, i guess maybe God has been trying in His ways to let me know that He is still there, even when I am angry, frustrated, depressed and not talking to Him. Looking back, the book was His way of answering my questions and His heart. Lillian's prophecy and allowing us to have a chance to meet with Pastor Abraham and have him pray for us, that was also His grace.

Four mths have passed but yet it seemed only yesterday when it all happened. Sometimes, I still feel that there are movements of Tyan inside me...a kick here and there. I wish i could indulge in my imagination but like alec says, it's probably the muscles twitching.

It may have been four mths and generally when people ask me abt my kid, i can tell them that Tyan's gone. But if they ask more qns, tears will begin to well up again. The wound is still healing but still raw...Every baby I see reminds me that I too have one but in heaven...carrying them strangely is a bittersweet feeling...enjoying the smell of a newborn, the sense of love and security holding them in my arms but also imagining how it shld have been. But I still like to carry...it does make the hurt go away a little...and give my poor heart a little hope.

Tyan, you were the perfect baby from the beginning. I've never stopped missing you. Be such a sweet boy in heaven and soon, my boy, we will meet again. I'm lookng fwd to seeing you in my dreams. XOXO Mummy.