This happened awhile back when we went to our first cg in a long time...it was so ironic, given this was our first cg after Tyan's death and the closer ones knew what happened. One of them who is pregnant chose to share her testimony on how she really did not want this baby initially but God changed her perspective. She shared that she felt it was all too soon for her since she was only in her mid-20s and in her priorities, being a mom was the last thing on her mind.
At first I sat there thinking, what a cruel joke this is...of previous cg meetings that this could have been shared this testimony, she chose to share this when I'm here today?? God, you must be kidding me?! In my heart, I raged to God abt the unfairness of it all again..here was a person who did not appreciate the gift that you have given and I, so desparately wants to keep my baby boy, cannot have him with me.
I tried to stop the tears from welling up and kept telling myself that she has every right to share what she was going through. While I could totally understand how she felt and what she was possibly going through, I wished that she could have been more sensitive. As i told myself that it wld be over very quickly, she launched into a 5mins sharing. I had to look away so that the rest of the younger ones cld not see my tears.
Our TLs were with us for this cg, to give us emotional support since it was our first time back at cg after all this while. I could see the sympathetic ad shocked glances that they were exchanging. They tried to remedy the situation by sharing their experiences abt hoping for a kid but not yet getting one and that sometimes people look at each other and envy but God knows what is best for us. But honestly I just wanted the topic to be done and over with.
We moved on to worship after that and they were singing the song " Saviour of my Soul".
Savior of my soul
I confide in You
Through all my darkest moments
In you I find my peace
My comfort when I’m weak
I trust in You, through storm and raging sea
And I live to worship You
My Jesus You’re the only one for me
Nothing will ever take Your place
My precious Savior
Who can stand between my Lord and me
It is a struggle for me to sing these days...all these lyrics...i used to love singing them but now they all seem to a taunt to me. One part of me tells me thatI am a fake to sing these cos how can i possibly sing this to God and believe in His goodness after all that has happened. Another part of me just wants to worship cos I still love Him...i want to believe that Tyan is safe in His hands and that He still loves me and has a gd plan for me. This constant tug-of-war usually brings out the tears during worship. But I know even when i am not moving my mouth, my heart is usually singing along cos it knows that this is the only way to eventual comfort, peace and rest.
During worship, Lillian started to pray for alec and me. as she prayed for me, she said that the Lord showed her a vision of Jesus carrying Tyan sitting upright, no longer lying down like an infant. They were standing behind the waterfall. At the mention of the waterfall, I was stunned. Everything that she said before that, although i weeped but in my heart, i was also thinking that these are words to comfort me (pardon the cynical me these days) But when she mentioned the waterfall...it was a God-moment as some wld describe.
In the book The Shack, Sophia aka Wisdom showed Mack the father an image of his daughter playing behind the waterfall with his other children and Jesus. She could see him past the waters and waved to him. I remembered wishing that if only I could have an encounter of God like the way he did. So when Lillian shared that, i knew it had to be God's way of speaking to me during this period when I was ignoring Him cos there was really no need for the waterfall to be in the prophecy.
After the session, I felt much better...although abit embarrassed that the cg meeting became a ministering session for Alec and me. The lady came up to me and apologised as she felt that she had been insensitive to us. But I told her that it is ok and that I was not angry with her...and i meant it. Having being through pregnancy, I could understand what she was possibly going through. It was totally unintentional...so no point harping or being angry abt it.
Now the only thing I am wishing for is that I will have a dream of Tyan myself real soon, not hearing from Alec or a Third person. Pray for me!
At first I sat there thinking, what a cruel joke this is...of previous cg meetings that this could have been shared this testimony, she chose to share this when I'm here today?? God, you must be kidding me?! In my heart, I raged to God abt the unfairness of it all again..here was a person who did not appreciate the gift that you have given and I, so desparately wants to keep my baby boy, cannot have him with me.
I tried to stop the tears from welling up and kept telling myself that she has every right to share what she was going through. While I could totally understand how she felt and what she was possibly going through, I wished that she could have been more sensitive. As i told myself that it wld be over very quickly, she launched into a 5mins sharing. I had to look away so that the rest of the younger ones cld not see my tears.
Our TLs were with us for this cg, to give us emotional support since it was our first time back at cg after all this while. I could see the sympathetic ad shocked glances that they were exchanging. They tried to remedy the situation by sharing their experiences abt hoping for a kid but not yet getting one and that sometimes people look at each other and envy but God knows what is best for us. But honestly I just wanted the topic to be done and over with.
We moved on to worship after that and they were singing the song " Saviour of my Soul".
Savior of my soul
I confide in You
Through all my darkest moments
In you I find my peace
My comfort when I’m weak
I trust in You, through storm and raging sea
And I live to worship You
My Jesus You’re the only one for me
Nothing will ever take Your place
My precious Savior
Who can stand between my Lord and me
It is a struggle for me to sing these days...all these lyrics...i used to love singing them but now they all seem to a taunt to me. One part of me tells me thatI am a fake to sing these cos how can i possibly sing this to God and believe in His goodness after all that has happened. Another part of me just wants to worship cos I still love Him...i want to believe that Tyan is safe in His hands and that He still loves me and has a gd plan for me. This constant tug-of-war usually brings out the tears during worship. But I know even when i am not moving my mouth, my heart is usually singing along cos it knows that this is the only way to eventual comfort, peace and rest.
During worship, Lillian started to pray for alec and me. as she prayed for me, she said that the Lord showed her a vision of Jesus carrying Tyan sitting upright, no longer lying down like an infant. They were standing behind the waterfall. At the mention of the waterfall, I was stunned. Everything that she said before that, although i weeped but in my heart, i was also thinking that these are words to comfort me (pardon the cynical me these days) But when she mentioned the waterfall...it was a God-moment as some wld describe.
In the book The Shack, Sophia aka Wisdom showed Mack the father an image of his daughter playing behind the waterfall with his other children and Jesus. She could see him past the waters and waved to him. I remembered wishing that if only I could have an encounter of God like the way he did. So when Lillian shared that, i knew it had to be God's way of speaking to me during this period when I was ignoring Him cos there was really no need for the waterfall to be in the prophecy.
After the session, I felt much better...although abit embarrassed that the cg meeting became a ministering session for Alec and me. The lady came up to me and apologised as she felt that she had been insensitive to us. But I told her that it is ok and that I was not angry with her...and i meant it. Having being through pregnancy, I could understand what she was possibly going through. It was totally unintentional...so no point harping or being angry abt it.
Now the only thing I am wishing for is that I will have a dream of Tyan myself real soon, not hearing from Alec or a Third person. Pray for me!
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