The weekend service that celebrate the 10th year of the Crossover Project was a emotional one for me...many in the service were touched and remembered how the past 10 years had been and the things we have gone though together as a church. It was touching to see that so many lives have been touched and transformed by Sun's crossing over and what it had done to led so many to Christ. Honestly, I am very proud of her and what CHC has done as a body of Christ. People outside may not understand and sometimes look at us with disbelief that we would be so Siao-on...and even persecute us but I am still nonetheless proud to be part of this family that have touched lives for Christ.
But last week was not emotional for me the way most were. Throughout the service, I was weeping...my cg members probably thought I was touched from all the videos etc...but they had no idea...no idea at all...in my heart, I was just full of anger and accusations at God.
I came to CHC on 27 Apr 2002. That was the same weekend that Sun launched her Crossover...in a way I was also one of the many who got touched by God due to her Crossover project. My friend had given me her cd and there was something in her voice that was so pure and full of love. Her voice made me feel pure, loved and hopeful. So basically I got saved. I went from a brokenhearted and confused teenager to someone who finally felt hopeful and loved. I fell in love with Jesus and my friend told me then that even when man failed me, God will never fail me.
But 10 years have passed...now we are celebrating the fruits of the Crossover Project. But to me, it felt like a slap to my face! A voice started taunting me that I was a failure. I had nothing to speak of after all these 10years knowing Christ. I felt like a failure for not excelling in my career..I feel stuck...my boss and colleagues are nice but I was heading nowhere cos I was stagnant in my learning. I felt like a failure as a wife for not being able to bear a son who is healthy and living to my husband and disappointing his granddad and father. I was a failure as a mom cos I could not keep Tyan alive. And what kind of leader am I?? nowadays I cannot even do what I preached to my cg members....My mind was full of criticism for myself. But my accusations towards myself took a new direction, I began to be cynical...I wanted to blame someone for all these. where was God in all these? Didn't my friend tell me that God will never fail me??? So where was He when I needed Him? Where was He when we prayed with all our hearts for Him to heal Tyan?! Why didn't He tell me about all those things that I could have avoided and just somehow intervened so that Tyan could be born healthy? why why why????
Towards the end of the service, they started singing the song Wo Yuan Yi. That was the same song that Alec sang on our wedding day. The words had a totally different meaning to me today. It reminded me all of what I thought about Tyan. my heart ached as we sang the lyrics...yes my baby...longing for you is a mysterious thing, it lurks about in my heart and it gets harder especially at night. sometimes I can hardly breathe. What wouldn't I give to hold you in my arms again...I am wiling to be exiled to the end of the world for you...
思念是一种很玄的东西
如影~随形
无声又无息出没在心底
转眼~吞没我在寂默里
我无力抗拒特别是夜里喔~
想你到无法呼吸
恨不能立即朝你狂奔去
大声的告诉你~
愿意为你我愿意为你
我愿意为你忘记我姓名
就算多一秒停留在你怀里
失去世界也不可惜
我愿意为你我愿意为你
我愿意为你被放逐天际
只要你真心拿爱与我回应
什么都愿意
什么都愿意为你
At the end of the service, my cg mate placed her hands around me and tried to comfort me. I asked her if she knew why I was crying...she said that she also felt touched by what Pastor Kong and Sun had done for the kingdom of God. Inside, I was smirking...boy, you are clueless...then I told her that I felt so betrayed by God. These past 10 years seemed to be a joke...everyone had thought that my life was all smooth-sailing since I knew Christ...guess God had to put something to break me huh? I started sobbing uncontrollably...all the months of sorrows all started to pour...and my friend told me, "you know Lisa, you are still young and you will have other kids."...I retorted "it will never be that same...I will never be the same...even when I have other children, does that mean I will forget Tyan and not wonder how life would be if he was around too..how would u feel if your daughter is not around anymore, you think you can just move on?" "I know you think I would not understand but you have to move on..." In my heart, I was screaming....YES U DO NOT UNDERSTAND and you probably never will. Honestly I was amazed that I did not just screamed at her...I was that hurt...but I know that she was just trying to console me...
After that, I went to find Alec...it was so difficult during the service without him...God really like to put me in a spot huh? of all the services that he cld sit with me, this particular one he couldn't. When I saw him, he knew something was wrong. The moment i sat down, I started bawling again, it was almost like my soul was groaning from within...all the feelings of injustice and anger came like a floodgate being opened. I later heard that one of the younger singers got a shock to see me crying so badly...i supposed so...they probably hadn't seen too much of life yet.
you know, losing your child is a very different feeling from losing anyone else. Even for our parents, somehow we know in our hearts that one day we will have to part, it's all part of the life cycle. Though sad, we expect that they will pass before us. But a child...you never expect this to happen...especially when Tyan made it so far...
God, when will my springtime come again? I don't know when can I truly feel happy anymore...I know the word for the church is that winter is over...and springtime is here...will I be left in this winter alone?
But last week was not emotional for me the way most were. Throughout the service, I was weeping...my cg members probably thought I was touched from all the videos etc...but they had no idea...no idea at all...in my heart, I was just full of anger and accusations at God.
I came to CHC on 27 Apr 2002. That was the same weekend that Sun launched her Crossover...in a way I was also one of the many who got touched by God due to her Crossover project. My friend had given me her cd and there was something in her voice that was so pure and full of love. Her voice made me feel pure, loved and hopeful. So basically I got saved. I went from a brokenhearted and confused teenager to someone who finally felt hopeful and loved. I fell in love with Jesus and my friend told me then that even when man failed me, God will never fail me.
But 10 years have passed...now we are celebrating the fruits of the Crossover Project. But to me, it felt like a slap to my face! A voice started taunting me that I was a failure. I had nothing to speak of after all these 10years knowing Christ. I felt like a failure for not excelling in my career..I feel stuck...my boss and colleagues are nice but I was heading nowhere cos I was stagnant in my learning. I felt like a failure as a wife for not being able to bear a son who is healthy and living to my husband and disappointing his granddad and father. I was a failure as a mom cos I could not keep Tyan alive. And what kind of leader am I?? nowadays I cannot even do what I preached to my cg members....My mind was full of criticism for myself. But my accusations towards myself took a new direction, I began to be cynical...I wanted to blame someone for all these. where was God in all these? Didn't my friend tell me that God will never fail me??? So where was He when I needed Him? Where was He when we prayed with all our hearts for Him to heal Tyan?! Why didn't He tell me about all those things that I could have avoided and just somehow intervened so that Tyan could be born healthy? why why why????
Towards the end of the service, they started singing the song Wo Yuan Yi. That was the same song that Alec sang on our wedding day. The words had a totally different meaning to me today. It reminded me all of what I thought about Tyan. my heart ached as we sang the lyrics...yes my baby...longing for you is a mysterious thing, it lurks about in my heart and it gets harder especially at night. sometimes I can hardly breathe. What wouldn't I give to hold you in my arms again...I am wiling to be exiled to the end of the world for you...
思念是一种很玄的东西
如影~随形
无声又无息出没在心底
转眼~吞没我在寂默里
我无力抗拒特别是夜里喔~
想你到无法呼吸
恨不能立即朝你狂奔去
大声的告诉你~
愿意为你我愿意为你
我愿意为你忘记我姓名
就算多一秒停留在你怀里
失去世界也不可惜
我愿意为你我愿意为你
我愿意为你被放逐天际
只要你真心拿爱与我回应
什么都愿意
什么都愿意为你
At the end of the service, my cg mate placed her hands around me and tried to comfort me. I asked her if she knew why I was crying...she said that she also felt touched by what Pastor Kong and Sun had done for the kingdom of God. Inside, I was smirking...boy, you are clueless...then I told her that I felt so betrayed by God. These past 10 years seemed to be a joke...everyone had thought that my life was all smooth-sailing since I knew Christ...guess God had to put something to break me huh? I started sobbing uncontrollably...all the months of sorrows all started to pour...and my friend told me, "you know Lisa, you are still young and you will have other kids."...I retorted "it will never be that same...I will never be the same...even when I have other children, does that mean I will forget Tyan and not wonder how life would be if he was around too..how would u feel if your daughter is not around anymore, you think you can just move on?" "I know you think I would not understand but you have to move on..." In my heart, I was screaming....YES U DO NOT UNDERSTAND and you probably never will. Honestly I was amazed that I did not just screamed at her...I was that hurt...but I know that she was just trying to console me...
After that, I went to find Alec...it was so difficult during the service without him...God really like to put me in a spot huh? of all the services that he cld sit with me, this particular one he couldn't. When I saw him, he knew something was wrong. The moment i sat down, I started bawling again, it was almost like my soul was groaning from within...all the feelings of injustice and anger came like a floodgate being opened. I later heard that one of the younger singers got a shock to see me crying so badly...i supposed so...they probably hadn't seen too much of life yet.
you know, losing your child is a very different feeling from losing anyone else. Even for our parents, somehow we know in our hearts that one day we will have to part, it's all part of the life cycle. Though sad, we expect that they will pass before us. But a child...you never expect this to happen...especially when Tyan made it so far...
God, when will my springtime come again? I don't know when can I truly feel happy anymore...I know the word for the church is that winter is over...and springtime is here...will I be left in this winter alone?
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