I had been dreading the month of may...had anticipated it to be more of a emotional roller-coaster than usual. As it is, i am crying/ stoning every worship session. But May was a month of many significant days...It was more difficult than before to attend service...I comtemplated not coming for service for the whole month...but i wanted to be brave...for Tyan... I had initially thought that this month, the blog will be full of entries but somehow I had just been too busy and too drained to write.
As I comtemplated how to go about writing this entry the past couple of days, the word Manasseh has been floating around in my head. The meaning of Manasseh: who makes to forget or “God hath made me forget”. Pastor had preached on this msg many years ago. In the past, I used to pray that God will give me my Manasseh. That was when I was trying to forgive those who have hurt me and trying to forget the hurts from my past. It was one thing to forgive but I needed God’s strength to help me forget and He did.
15 May - Follow-up with Prof...today we went for our appointment with prof…it was almost 4mths ago when we last saw him, It was supposed to be review for whether we could start trying again. As expected, Prof just said that we can start trying again. But in my heart I was full of questions and uncertainty. After all, no one can give me a guarantee that my next pregnancy was going to be fine. I asked Prof what he thought of the lap reports done on Tyan but to my surprise, he just dismissed it and said that he thought it was nonsense. I think Alec had thought I would feel less guilty hearing this…but no…doesn’t help abit...no one knows for sure what happened. Then after that, Prof just told me to go for another blood test just to make sure that I hadn’t got a certain virus. Going into the room for the drawing of blood all seemed so familiar…but I never expected my own reaction when the needle went in.
at first it was the pain but in an instance I had flashbacks of what happened in the months leading up to my delivery Images of the injections and blood extractions I had to go through…all the pain. During the last trimester, I was taking a jab every 3-4 days for stabilizing the pregnancy, steroid jab for boosting the growth of Tyan’s lungs…and going for blood tests and all. It was a very painful period cos my veins are super tiny and it takes a very skillful person to draw my blood without causing a lot of pain. And each jab for stabilizing the pregnancy was so painful that they kept me up at night cos I could not lie on my butt. The horror that gripped me when I was rushed to the emergency room for my C-section and as they poked the IV tube and catheter in me came flooding…my tears welled up and came falling down as I remember that through it all, I had kept telling myself that it was going to be ok…that all these pain was nothing if Tyan could be safe. The nurse was in shock when she saw my reaction…she had thought that her needle had brought me to tears.
19-20 May - Baby dedication – I thought I was strong enough...after all there was plenty to be happy about. Alot of my friends are dedicating their kids today...and I am truly happy for them...especialy Titus who made it out of NICU. Everything was fine till i saw the bulletin. I recognised the picture immediately. I loved the photo too myself...not surprised that it has been used as the cover page. Think it just caught me by surprise...the picture...and there it was again...the anger and regret that Tyan isn't here with us...he could have been one of them.
Wo Yuan Yi again?! What is it with this song?! If you read my earlier entry, you wld know the impact that this song has on me. Huang Guo Lun shared his tesitmony on how God spoke to him to make only music inspired by Him and Wo Yuan Yi was the first song that was composed. It became so popular that it soon brought him to the peak of his career. He later launched an album in 1997 but within half a year, the recording company terminated his contract and his career took a nosedive. Becos of that he was in depression for 10 years and became a broken man. He felt like he lost everything and eventually left the church. He felt God had abandoned him. But in 2005, God sent him a letter from Sweden. A singer from Sweden called Lene Marlin rewrote a mandarin song and it spread to Taiwan. The melody is the same as Wo Yuan Yi but the lyrics were rewritten. When he saw the lyrics, he could not stop crying. He felt that God, wanting to prove His love, used this song and got Lene Marlin from Sweden to send this song to him. It was like God was telling him that He is still here and has not forgotten him.
Still Here - Lene Marlin
I just can't help it
No matter what you say
It sounds you're far from okay
I know you're hurting
So please just stop the lie
Just say, say you'll try
Try to stop hiding, and show me how you are
I see through all the faces you put on
I know you're wondering, just how you got to this
All you've lost, all you missed
But it will be fine, and you'll be smiling
And you'll be grateful, for what's still there
And you'll be hoping that you still have it here
The things you thought you lost,
The things you thought were gone
I wish I'd seen it
A long time ago
At least, now I know
I need your promise
No point of asking why
Just say, say you'll try
The moment when Huang Guo Lun talked abt the demo tape, it reminded me of the letter from "The Shack". Mack had received a letter from God to meet with Him and I had wished that I would too meet with God someday like how Mack did. Suddenly, it just seemed like God had used this same song to speak to me...that He has not forgotten about me and that even though I could not see beyond the hurt and pain now and all the broken dreams that has been shattered, He is still here...yea...i dunno if you felt it...but yes I had goosebumps...
As I comtemplated how to go about writing this entry the past couple of days, the word Manasseh has been floating around in my head. The meaning of Manasseh: who makes to forget or “God hath made me forget”. Pastor had preached on this msg many years ago. In the past, I used to pray that God will give me my Manasseh. That was when I was trying to forgive those who have hurt me and trying to forget the hurts from my past. It was one thing to forgive but I needed God’s strength to help me forget and He did.
Somehow, I have been feeling that God has been doing His work and giving me my Manasseh…helping me to forget the pain and hurt…no…not totally forgetting that the events happened but somewhat taking away the negative feelings that come along when you remember those bad memories. I had wanted to write after each service but never got ard to it and now I cannot really remember how I felt then…of cos that could also be just me being numb.
3 May - our 3rd anniversary...just remembering that last year we spent it at MBS, celebrating with our little unborn Tyan. I was only a mere 3mths along then, trying to keep the news under wraps for fear of saddening A who was still missing her baby lost in miscarriage as we celebrated A's bdae the next day. The irony is today she has her little girl to celebrate her bdae with while I mourn the loss of my son.
12 May - marks the day when Tyan would be 6mths old. I am still tracking on Babycenter what Tyan's development would be if he was still around...still no dreams of Tyan...found a website for bereaved moms. Turns out last sun was International Bereaved Mothers' Day...did you know that mothers' day was actually first started for Bereaved Mothers? check out the story below at
13 May - Mothers' Day so coincentally this day we celebrate mothers' day...6th month after Tyan passed away. Ironic....and guess what?! Alec had to be part of the Mama's boys, singing for the weekend. It was gd exposure for him but i totally hated not having him beside me again on such a difficult occasion. I had set my mind that I was going to stand up when they asked the mummies to stand up...I asked J to stand up with me...after all she has one in heaven and is now expecting her next...she is defnitely qualified to do so...but she refused...and I just couldn't do it w/o her. It was almost like I felt that someone would exposed me and said that I was not qualified to be called one. I was so angry at myself for not having the guts to do it. I am a MOTHER whether my child is on earth or in heaven. Earlier in the morning, E came up to me joyfully and wished me Happy Mothers' day and asked how was my son doing...yes she did not know abt Tyan's passing. It was awkward when I told her but when she greeted me, it felt so sweet...(i think some mother takes it for granted when people wishes them).
Photos taken from website of CarlyMarie Project Heal.
15 May - Follow-up with Prof...today we went for our appointment with prof…it was almost 4mths ago when we last saw him, It was supposed to be review for whether we could start trying again. As expected, Prof just said that we can start trying again. But in my heart I was full of questions and uncertainty. After all, no one can give me a guarantee that my next pregnancy was going to be fine. I asked Prof what he thought of the lap reports done on Tyan but to my surprise, he just dismissed it and said that he thought it was nonsense. I think Alec had thought I would feel less guilty hearing this…but no…doesn’t help abit...no one knows for sure what happened. Then after that, Prof just told me to go for another blood test just to make sure that I hadn’t got a certain virus. Going into the room for the drawing of blood all seemed so familiar…but I never expected my own reaction when the needle went in.
at first it was the pain but in an instance I had flashbacks of what happened in the months leading up to my delivery Images of the injections and blood extractions I had to go through…all the pain. During the last trimester, I was taking a jab every 3-4 days for stabilizing the pregnancy, steroid jab for boosting the growth of Tyan’s lungs…and going for blood tests and all. It was a very painful period cos my veins are super tiny and it takes a very skillful person to draw my blood without causing a lot of pain. And each jab for stabilizing the pregnancy was so painful that they kept me up at night cos I could not lie on my butt. The horror that gripped me when I was rushed to the emergency room for my C-section and as they poked the IV tube and catheter in me came flooding…my tears welled up and came falling down as I remember that through it all, I had kept telling myself that it was going to be ok…that all these pain was nothing if Tyan could be safe. The nurse was in shock when she saw my reaction…she had thought that her needle had brought me to tears.
19-20 May - Baby dedication – I thought I was strong enough...after all there was plenty to be happy about. Alot of my friends are dedicating their kids today...and I am truly happy for them...especialy Titus who made it out of NICU. Everything was fine till i saw the bulletin. I recognised the picture immediately. I loved the photo too myself...not surprised that it has been used as the cover page. Think it just caught me by surprise...the picture...and there it was again...the anger and regret that Tyan isn't here with us...he could have been one of them.
Wo Yuan Yi again?! What is it with this song?! If you read my earlier entry, you wld know the impact that this song has on me. Huang Guo Lun shared his tesitmony on how God spoke to him to make only music inspired by Him and Wo Yuan Yi was the first song that was composed. It became so popular that it soon brought him to the peak of his career. He later launched an album in 1997 but within half a year, the recording company terminated his contract and his career took a nosedive. Becos of that he was in depression for 10 years and became a broken man. He felt like he lost everything and eventually left the church. He felt God had abandoned him. But in 2005, God sent him a letter from Sweden. A singer from Sweden called Lene Marlin rewrote a mandarin song and it spread to Taiwan. The melody is the same as Wo Yuan Yi but the lyrics were rewritten. When he saw the lyrics, he could not stop crying. He felt that God, wanting to prove His love, used this song and got Lene Marlin from Sweden to send this song to him. It was like God was telling him that He is still here and has not forgotten him.
Still Here - Lene Marlin
I just can't help it
No matter what you say
It sounds you're far from okay
I know you're hurting
So please just stop the lie
Just say, say you'll try
Try to stop hiding, and show me how you are
I see through all the faces you put on
I know you're wondering, just how you got to this
All you've lost, all you missed
But it will be fine, and you'll be smiling
And you'll be grateful, for what's still there
And you'll be hoping that you still have it here
The things you thought you lost,
The things you thought were gone
I wish I'd seen it
A long time ago
At least, now I know
I need your promise
No point of asking why
Just say, say you'll try
The moment when Huang Guo Lun talked abt the demo tape, it reminded me of the letter from "The Shack". Mack had received a letter from God to meet with Him and I had wished that I would too meet with God someday like how Mack did. Suddenly, it just seemed like God had used this same song to speak to me...that He has not forgotten about me and that even though I could not see beyond the hurt and pain now and all the broken dreams that has been shattered, He is still here...yea...i dunno if you felt it...but yes I had goosebumps...
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