these days i feel like a zombie...but nobobdy knows...just me...struggling to breathe...struggling to stay afloat...to look normal...Going abt my daily routine, making sure ntg seems out of line...some people think that I must be doing ok ..dressing up and laughing away with frends...but when all these are gone at the end of the day, reality sets in...I am still me without my child. People ask me all the time if I am ok...but sometimes, this question really irks me...how do you expect me to be ok?? I will never be entirely ok...a part of me is forever missing...
All day long, I am making lists...it almost seems I am afraid that one day the list would run out of thing s to do and I would find myself lost. The past months has been a frenzy...in the early days, the frens were about..visiting...making sure that we were ok. Then came X'mas and Chinese New Year which we took the escape route to avoid meeting frens or relatives and facing awkward questions by going to Phuket and Japan. When we were back, we launched into our renovation plans and were kept busy with buying furnitures and appliances. That kept me busy all the way till we finally moved in early Apr. Of cos there was the return to work after my maternity leave...that was pretty stressful too. People, work and all...dealing with coming back to church was another hurdle too...
But now the dark clouds threathens..looming in and clouding my thoughts wth negativity...there's a sense in dissatisfaction with myself and all around me. I remember this familiar feeling when I was in Junior College. I was constantly angry...angry at things, angry at people around me but mostly angry with myself but not really realising it. I felt then that I had lost control of my life...things were no longer going smoothly in my life. the life that I thought I rightfully deserved...after all, wasn't I the one that everyone said was going to be successful, sharp and intuitive, a gd leader and all? What happened to all that?? I had so much anger then, it almost destroyed me...made me an outcast in school, misunderstood at home...I was pretending to be happy being all alone when I felt sorry for myself.
I only managed to get out of it when I met Christ years later when I was in my uni days.. I learned to accept and be at peace with myself and managed my expectations of others. But this time, even as the dark clouds takes over... I am afraid it is going to be different. I am angry with Him...angry at Him for taking it away..the meaning of my life...my baby ...Tyan. How am I going to look to Him for help this time when my anger is targeted at Him?
Many people tell me that I am still young and I can always try again..But how many of them actually know that Tyan was not just any baby...but he was the dream that I had since I stepped into church. Even though I was still single then, my heart and desire was to be a mummy...I was ready to be a mom 10 years ago. I had waited for this baby...not just for the 9mths..but a whole 10 years! Do you have any idea how devastating this was for me? Year after year...I saw my friends getting married one by one...promoted to mummies one by one...yes no doubt they were all older than me...but does that make any difference to a person whose heart was already stirred? And it really doesn't matter if I have another 1 or another dozen cos I will always be missing my firstborn here, thinking how different it would have been if he was still around.
I remember one Chinese New Year gathering, all those that were there all had their first kid and one couple was giving birth to their 2nd anytime. We took a group foto then and my heart wished that my kid would quickly come along too...so that he would have their kids as playmates..after all we were friends that grew up together and I wished our kids wld do the same too but Alec and I were only going to be married later that year. Today, these group of frens are onto their second and third kids, one is even going to start primary one next year. I know it is not abt competing...but you know...growing up with peers that are your age and good influence is so impt...I wished that my friends' kids are my children's best frens too.
When I got pregnant last year, there seemed to be another round of baby wave...and Alec and I were very happy to have caught up with the band-wagon this time. The mummies were happy comparing our tummies, our babies' growth rate, how much vomitting each of us had to go through...it was just comforting to know that someone was going through the same things as you. But now, it is all different. Tyan is no longer around. The new mummies now go on comparing their newborns' milestones, new antics, new clothes and planning their soon to be birthday parties...but in this equation, I will not be part of it anymore. As a guest maybe but not as one of the mummies. U know sometimes when friends are in different phases of life, they will tend to drift apart...cos you are on different topics, wavelengths and priorities...it is just sad to lose friends because of that...so can you understand why it is impt for me to have kids?
Last Christmas, we were at our usual X'mas gathering...I was all well and fine till I started sitting down and observing the little ones...then it just hit me. My baby is never going to be part of this...having these frens to grow up with and they too will never know of his existence. All the feelings of unjustice, loss and regret brought out the tears once again...angry that my boy has not had a chance to live out his life...to go through all of life's experiences..that no one had a chance to know what a good little boy he would have been and what a friend he could have been.
I know I am wallowing in self-pity, feeling sorry for myself but...I dun want your sympathy. I just need your friendship. how do you make the differentiation? I dunno...maybe dun be nice to me just because of what happened...be nice because you want to be friends with me. The care and concerns does make one feel a little better but sometimes I just can't help but feel that there is like a piece of glass hanging in the air between you and me, separating us...
All day long, I am making lists...it almost seems I am afraid that one day the list would run out of thing s to do and I would find myself lost. The past months has been a frenzy...in the early days, the frens were about..visiting...making sure that we were ok. Then came X'mas and Chinese New Year which we took the escape route to avoid meeting frens or relatives and facing awkward questions by going to Phuket and Japan. When we were back, we launched into our renovation plans and were kept busy with buying furnitures and appliances. That kept me busy all the way till we finally moved in early Apr. Of cos there was the return to work after my maternity leave...that was pretty stressful too. People, work and all...dealing with coming back to church was another hurdle too...
But now the dark clouds threathens..looming in and clouding my thoughts wth negativity...there's a sense in dissatisfaction with myself and all around me. I remember this familiar feeling when I was in Junior College. I was constantly angry...angry at things, angry at people around me but mostly angry with myself but not really realising it. I felt then that I had lost control of my life...things were no longer going smoothly in my life. the life that I thought I rightfully deserved...after all, wasn't I the one that everyone said was going to be successful, sharp and intuitive, a gd leader and all? What happened to all that?? I had so much anger then, it almost destroyed me...made me an outcast in school, misunderstood at home...I was pretending to be happy being all alone when I felt sorry for myself.
I only managed to get out of it when I met Christ years later when I was in my uni days.. I learned to accept and be at peace with myself and managed my expectations of others. But this time, even as the dark clouds takes over... I am afraid it is going to be different. I am angry with Him...angry at Him for taking it away..the meaning of my life...my baby ...Tyan. How am I going to look to Him for help this time when my anger is targeted at Him?
Many people tell me that I am still young and I can always try again..But how many of them actually know that Tyan was not just any baby...but he was the dream that I had since I stepped into church. Even though I was still single then, my heart and desire was to be a mummy...I was ready to be a mom 10 years ago. I had waited for this baby...not just for the 9mths..but a whole 10 years! Do you have any idea how devastating this was for me? Year after year...I saw my friends getting married one by one...promoted to mummies one by one...yes no doubt they were all older than me...but does that make any difference to a person whose heart was already stirred? And it really doesn't matter if I have another 1 or another dozen cos I will always be missing my firstborn here, thinking how different it would have been if he was still around.
I remember one Chinese New Year gathering, all those that were there all had their first kid and one couple was giving birth to their 2nd anytime. We took a group foto then and my heart wished that my kid would quickly come along too...so that he would have their kids as playmates..after all we were friends that grew up together and I wished our kids wld do the same too but Alec and I were only going to be married later that year. Today, these group of frens are onto their second and third kids, one is even going to start primary one next year. I know it is not abt competing...but you know...growing up with peers that are your age and good influence is so impt...I wished that my friends' kids are my children's best frens too.
When I got pregnant last year, there seemed to be another round of baby wave...and Alec and I were very happy to have caught up with the band-wagon this time. The mummies were happy comparing our tummies, our babies' growth rate, how much vomitting each of us had to go through...it was just comforting to know that someone was going through the same things as you. But now, it is all different. Tyan is no longer around. The new mummies now go on comparing their newborns' milestones, new antics, new clothes and planning their soon to be birthday parties...but in this equation, I will not be part of it anymore. As a guest maybe but not as one of the mummies. U know sometimes when friends are in different phases of life, they will tend to drift apart...cos you are on different topics, wavelengths and priorities...it is just sad to lose friends because of that...so can you understand why it is impt for me to have kids?
Last Christmas, we were at our usual X'mas gathering...I was all well and fine till I started sitting down and observing the little ones...then it just hit me. My baby is never going to be part of this...having these frens to grow up with and they too will never know of his existence. All the feelings of unjustice, loss and regret brought out the tears once again...angry that my boy has not had a chance to live out his life...to go through all of life's experiences..that no one had a chance to know what a good little boy he would have been and what a friend he could have been.
I know I am wallowing in self-pity, feeling sorry for myself but...I dun want your sympathy. I just need your friendship. how do you make the differentiation? I dunno...maybe dun be nice to me just because of what happened...be nice because you want to be friends with me. The care and concerns does make one feel a little better but sometimes I just can't help but feel that there is like a piece of glass hanging in the air between you and me, separating us...
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