It was supposed to be juz another trip to Doc Fong's clinic to collect some medicine then followed by Adara's Bdae party. But who would have guessed that a split second decision, it turned to be the day my baby boy was born and the beginning of the sorrow in my life?
I had been feeling lesser movements from Tyan the past two days. Yet only last week he had been so active after some 1.5litres of amniotic fluid was removed but as the fluid came back, his movements lessened. Dunno if I am being overly worried for nothing or a mother's instinct but with his impending birth so near I did not dare take any chance. So decided to go for a CTG at doc fong's while collecting medicine. While on the way there, decided to ask Dear maybe we should go NUH instead even though I was worried that they mite make me stay another night for observation in that dreadful delivery room. So in that moment, we changed course.
Once there, We went to the Labour ward. We thought it would juz be a usual CTG reading done and all wld be fine and we could still make it for Adara's party since it was only 11+am. But litte did we realise that something was not quite right. We were asked to stay in and if baby's movement n heartbeat did not improve by 5pm, i would have to undego a Caesarean to deliver him. We almost made the decision not to stay in cos we were not prepared mentally for Tyan to be out...not for another week at least. I was also worried that if I had made the situation seemed worse than it really was by coming in for this check and being overly anxious abt the movements. I didn't want Tyan to be out too early by my mistake. By then, that was 1plus in the afternoon.
I told dear to go back pick up the hospital bag n to go to the condo to meet the electrician. He only managed to rush back abt 3.30pm as it was pouring. Even then, he still thought it was only a likelihood that I was to deliver that day. But I had been told to fast since my last meal at 11am. Either way, the doctors and staff were ready for the operation to come.
But at 4.30pm, a group of them rushed into the delivery suite. It was quite a shock to me as I was dozing off. In minutes, the nurses were shouting crash caesar. Someone told me that baby's heartbeat was dropping and they were going to operate on me immediately. It all seemed so unreal! How could this be happening? I could feel my defensive guard coming up. I was like being in a bubble and watching myself from the outside. I kept reassuring myself that everything was going to be alright and that when I am out from the operation, I woud finally be able to see Tyan and everything was going to be juz fine. They were not going to find anything wrong with him. After all, he had already been given the lung steroid two weeks ago. He was at 35weeks and should be above the 1.8kg that Doc Fong said was a good weight to survive.
Going into the Operating theatre, I was scared but I managed to keep calm cos it just didn't seem real. But when one of the staff inserted the catherer, it was such a traumatic experience. they would usually insert this after the patient has been gassed but the nurse did not wait in my case...prob due to it being an emergency. They put a mask on me and told me to breathe and that it was oxygen but after a few breaths, I was knocked out.
When I came to, I heard the nurse asking me my I/c number...I did not hear Tyan's crying but I wasn't that worried although I was anxious to see him n know that he was ok cos I knew he was prematured so they probably had him in the nicu already. I asked for alec and he told me that it was 7plus...I had been in the op for an hour plus and he hasn't seen baby yet cos they were still treating him. Alec got called away by the neonatologist shortly and I got transferred to my ward.
When i saw him again, he was in tears and I knew something was wrong and I braced myself for the bad news. I couldn't believe my ears when he told me that Tyan was not doing well and he might not make it and if i wanted to see him. He told me that the neonatologist said that there were something wrong with his features like his ears being lowset etc but Alec assured me that Tyan looked beautiful. Somehow I think from then on I was in my protective bubble mode...it juz didn't seem real. I mean even if bad news, I had thought at most they found something wrong with baby and he was going to be different from his peers that's all, not this?! It seemed like scene right out of a tv drama. Well, I dunno, maybe I knew this was coming when his heartbeat n movements were dropping.
Rushing down to the NICU, I was so afraid that I would missed my chance to say goodbye
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